purpose.

i am trying to remind myself why i am sitting up at 1:48 am typing on a laptop with warm sweatpands and blankets and so many possessions around me as well as photos and cards on the wall reminding me that i am loved. there are those who have not and who are not told that they are loved. there are those who are deceived into thinking that they are loved. i am not upset that i am loved. i am humbled and grateful to be loved. but i wish i could go NOW and change that some are not loved. i want to love the unloveable. but that means i need to begin now.

who do i think it's hard to love?

i think it is hard to love people who don't give back. i don't mean like gifts. i could do without. i love to share mutually, though i like to give more than i like to receive from sharing. but i find it hard to love people who don't return in conversation. i ask questions. they answer. that's it. there is just what they say and nothing more. they ask no questions and they don't add to their answers. conversation must consist of adding to your answers to show the person inside, and then giving others opportunity to show their person. there is one such girl i know who simply isn't very good at converstaion. she is shy. i have known her for a month, and she is still shy. i have asked her so many questions. she has maybe asked 2. i try to just interject with my answers to my own questions because she doesn't even end in "what about you?" not that i just like to talk about myself. i don't mind it, but i like to feel engaging. when there is minimal response, i fell the need to entertain, which i hate in conversation.

but the point of all this is that i want to love those who don't feel loved. and often times that means the people who i don't naturally feel an inclination towards. i don't know that love is ALL actions, but it is so much a deliberate choice. one says to themself, "i am going to love this girl. i am going to serve her in practical ways. i am going to talk to her even though i never really want to." i'm very bad at this. i don't really like to talk to this girl who doesn't talk back. but she will come and sit by me sometimes. i don't really know how to include her in a group conversation because she doesn't talk unless it's one on one.

i think that the reason i am so hung up on this girl is because it's a struggle for me to love her, least of all like her. but i know that i need to love where i am. i cannot bottle up all my love for the rest of the world. all my charity for those starving in Africa is useless unless i have charity for the people i don't like. world-focused charity can too easily be an excuse to ignore need -- both physical and emotional -- right in front of you. "no, i can't be nice to you because i care too much about the indian girls who are slaves in prostitution." no good.

i know that i want to be God's fingers out in the world, but fingers don't just come into being. they are always fingers. God, let me be your finger in Grand Rapids. keep me content here.