my brain
a pulse
a throb
an orange
when you talk i struggle to hear
outside may be lovely
outside may be cold
outside may be stormy
i wouldn't know.
without the color
my life becomes more meaningless.
i think on him
then on him
but no thanks to you.
my sources are now
exhausted
i cannot take it further
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
purpose.
i am trying to remind myself why i am sitting up at 1:48 am typing on a laptop with warm sweatpands and blankets and so many possessions around me as well as photos and cards on the wall reminding me that i am loved. there are those who have not and who are not told that they are loved. there are those who are deceived into thinking that they are loved. i am not upset that i am loved. i am humbled and grateful to be loved. but i wish i could go NOW and change that some are not loved. i want to love the unloveable. but that means i need to begin now.
who do i think it's hard to love?
i think it is hard to love people who don't give back. i don't mean like gifts. i could do without. i love to share mutually, though i like to give more than i like to receive from sharing. but i find it hard to love people who don't return in conversation. i ask questions. they answer. that's it. there is just what they say and nothing more. they ask no questions and they don't add to their answers. conversation must consist of adding to your answers to show the person inside, and then giving others opportunity to show their person. there is one such girl i know who simply isn't very good at converstaion. she is shy. i have known her for a month, and she is still shy. i have asked her so many questions. she has maybe asked 2. i try to just interject with my answers to my own questions because she doesn't even end in "what about you?" not that i just like to talk about myself. i don't mind it, but i like to feel engaging. when there is minimal response, i fell the need to entertain, which i hate in conversation.
but the point of all this is that i want to love those who don't feel loved. and often times that means the people who i don't naturally feel an inclination towards. i don't know that love is ALL actions, but it is so much a deliberate choice. one says to themself, "i am going to love this girl. i am going to serve her in practical ways. i am going to talk to her even though i never really want to." i'm very bad at this. i don't really like to talk to this girl who doesn't talk back. but she will come and sit by me sometimes. i don't really know how to include her in a group conversation because she doesn't talk unless it's one on one.
i think that the reason i am so hung up on this girl is because it's a struggle for me to love her, least of all like her. but i know that i need to love where i am. i cannot bottle up all my love for the rest of the world. all my charity for those starving in Africa is useless unless i have charity for the people i don't like. world-focused charity can too easily be an excuse to ignore need -- both physical and emotional -- right in front of you. "no, i can't be nice to you because i care too much about the indian girls who are slaves in prostitution." no good.
i know that i want to be God's fingers out in the world, but fingers don't just come into being. they are always fingers. God, let me be your finger in Grand Rapids. keep me content here.
who do i think it's hard to love?
i think it is hard to love people who don't give back. i don't mean like gifts. i could do without. i love to share mutually, though i like to give more than i like to receive from sharing. but i find it hard to love people who don't return in conversation. i ask questions. they answer. that's it. there is just what they say and nothing more. they ask no questions and they don't add to their answers. conversation must consist of adding to your answers to show the person inside, and then giving others opportunity to show their person. there is one such girl i know who simply isn't very good at converstaion. she is shy. i have known her for a month, and she is still shy. i have asked her so many questions. she has maybe asked 2. i try to just interject with my answers to my own questions because she doesn't even end in "what about you?" not that i just like to talk about myself. i don't mind it, but i like to feel engaging. when there is minimal response, i fell the need to entertain, which i hate in conversation.
but the point of all this is that i want to love those who don't feel loved. and often times that means the people who i don't naturally feel an inclination towards. i don't know that love is ALL actions, but it is so much a deliberate choice. one says to themself, "i am going to love this girl. i am going to serve her in practical ways. i am going to talk to her even though i never really want to." i'm very bad at this. i don't really like to talk to this girl who doesn't talk back. but she will come and sit by me sometimes. i don't really know how to include her in a group conversation because she doesn't talk unless it's one on one.
i think that the reason i am so hung up on this girl is because it's a struggle for me to love her, least of all like her. but i know that i need to love where i am. i cannot bottle up all my love for the rest of the world. all my charity for those starving in Africa is useless unless i have charity for the people i don't like. world-focused charity can too easily be an excuse to ignore need -- both physical and emotional -- right in front of you. "no, i can't be nice to you because i care too much about the indian girls who are slaves in prostitution." no good.
i know that i want to be God's fingers out in the world, but fingers don't just come into being. they are always fingers. God, let me be your finger in Grand Rapids. keep me content here.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Various Thoughts.
II Corinthians 12:9; Philipians 3:1-11.
Boasting in our weakness
“I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
“I consider [my profit] rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.”
We ought to boast in others strengths because then when God triumphs, it makes him greater. Also, I think our weaknesses that Paul speaks of are what might be seen as our strengths in the worlds eyes (though not always). It does not mean the talents we have not been gifted with, but rather the things we struggle with – our secret desires and wicked passions. We ought to boast in them because those are the things God overcomes in us!
The Canaanites were a strong people. Israel was not a very strong people. So not only should the Israelites boast in their weakness, but in the strength of their enemy, which they have overcome. Jesus was tempted as we are, and not just to eat and jump and rule, as the famous temptations passage records. He lived as a man in a body and he was offended and ridiculed and rejected. He must have been tempted to lust and fight and self-depricate. The stronger the enemy or the temptation, which are synonymous, the stronger God is.
Boasting in our weakness
“I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
“I consider [my profit] rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.”
We ought to boast in others strengths because then when God triumphs, it makes him greater. Also, I think our weaknesses that Paul speaks of are what might be seen as our strengths in the worlds eyes (though not always). It does not mean the talents we have not been gifted with, but rather the things we struggle with – our secret desires and wicked passions. We ought to boast in them because those are the things God overcomes in us!
The Canaanites were a strong people. Israel was not a very strong people. So not only should the Israelites boast in their weakness, but in the strength of their enemy, which they have overcome. Jesus was tempted as we are, and not just to eat and jump and rule, as the famous temptations passage records. He lived as a man in a body and he was offended and ridiculed and rejected. He must have been tempted to lust and fight and self-depricate. The stronger the enemy or the temptation, which are synonymous, the stronger God is.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Politics.
Sorry for the tackiness of having two posts in one night, but I'll occasionally have a brilliant insight against Christian conservatives. so here's my inspiration of the night:
the only time the bible addresses people in authority, it is talking to slave-owners and parents. He never gives rules or thoughts to kings. he would communicate to the kings through the prophets. So it just kind of seems like he never intended His People to be kings and rulers. If he expected Christian kings, he would not have always had to tell his people to obey oppressive authority.
God's People are not a country anymore!
the only time the bible addresses people in authority, it is talking to slave-owners and parents. He never gives rules or thoughts to kings. he would communicate to the kings through the prophets. So it just kind of seems like he never intended His People to be kings and rulers. If he expected Christian kings, he would not have always had to tell his people to obey oppressive authority.
God's People are not a country anymore!
In Dorothy's Slippers.
I watched The Wizard of OZ with the fam yesterday. it came to the part where she is locked in the tower with the hourglass counting down the hour she has left to live. not only did i realize how silly it was for the witch to wait an hour to kill dorothy (when my brother graciously pointed this out), but i realized that dorothy's way of coping is rather interesting. she screams and cries and sees auntie em in the crystal ball, and cries some more, and waits for her friends who come to help her escape. So i got to thinking, what would you do if you were locked in a tower and had one hour to live? the obvious answer would be "try to escape!" me too. but let's just assume you can't there is literally no way, and you have no one who knows you're there. i suppose it would be similar to being on death row. i suppose i might cry too. i might scream too, just because i could, and there would be no worse consequences than what was already going to happen. just to make noise, to loose my voice and not worry that i might need it soon. what would you think about? it's pretty useless to remember, though i would. would i remember the sad things or the good things? it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. i think this is what ecclesiastes is about. at that point, there is literally nothing that matters. there is so much to despair about! but even despair is useless, and even regret is meaningless. so in the tower, nothing matters. does it??
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
housewife.
i don't know if i can handle this. i have been trying all summer to land a job. and still, i have no regular employment. I sporradically do cleaning for some older women at my church, and i help out at church with organizing the library, but the only actual employment is with state fair, for which I will be gone the first week anyways.
first fall out- camp vertical
last year, i volunteered at the elmbrook summer camp for a few weeks. One of the ladies in charge, Shelbi, said that if i applied next year, i would pretty for-surely have a job. unfortuantely, she wasn't involved in the hiring this year, so that didn't work out.
next fall out- family video
i had an initial intervew which went really well, and they wanted me to come back for a scholastic test (just to make sure i could do numbers and i knew my alphabet). then, after that, i had to interview with the district manager, and after all this, we're into june, and i don't get the job. everything went well, except that i'm going to school in the fall, and i won't work on sundays.
third fall out- maurices
this is a fabulous clothing store. i really really wanted to work here. i applied. they called soon. this was an encouraging sign. i came in to take this 100 question "get-to-know-you" survey. i waited to get a call back. then i waited to get a call back. then I called back. they said they would be calling back the next week. two weeks later, i went in to the store. they said their hiring manager was on vacation. now it's early july, and i KNOW no clothing place would hire someone for a month and a half, with one week off in august...
most recent fall out- journal sentinal.
this would be a night-job (like 2-6 in the morning night job) delivering a paper route. early-morning delivery is the only type of paper route in waukesha now because the waukesha freeman decided it was a really good idea to deliver their paper by mail now. boo. but anyways. the first frustration is trying to get ahold of the guy, eric, because he has to be up at 2 in the morning, and goes home by like 10. well, those are basically the hours i sleep, so that made things interesting. so after we finally worked out emailing each other, there were two things i needed to find/do. i needed to 1. find my name on the declarations page of our car insurance, and 2. get a new drivers' liscence because mine still said "probationary", even though my restrictions were off. well, i found the declarations page, but my name was no where on the page. so this morning, my mom emailed the insurance place and asked if we could fix that. they sent us a copy of the exact same page. thanks for the help. then, while my mom is still figuring this out, i went off to the dmv. the line wasn't too long, but i was just worried something would go bad. i remembered i would have to have my picture taken, which gave me anxiety because i've been braking out from the pressure of not having a job and not sleeping well or at all. so i go up to the counter, only to discover that probationary means something besides restrictions.some stupid, petty distinction that is keeping me from getting a job.
i don't know how you could fail at getting so many jobs!! oh, and one more thing. at school, i guess they have student bloggers. our admissions counselor suggested my friend andy, who has never kept a blog ever. ever. the good news is that my friend jacob already got a job in the kitchen and is trying to get me one too. so we'll see. i would love to work at the library, but i doubt i will, because i want to.
i hate the feeling of not having a job. i feel rather useless, like a lifeless limb of the family, or a parasite. always taking, never giving. i know that's not what housewives are, but i don't think i could be one.
first fall out- camp vertical
last year, i volunteered at the elmbrook summer camp for a few weeks. One of the ladies in charge, Shelbi, said that if i applied next year, i would pretty for-surely have a job. unfortuantely, she wasn't involved in the hiring this year, so that didn't work out.
next fall out- family video
i had an initial intervew which went really well, and they wanted me to come back for a scholastic test (just to make sure i could do numbers and i knew my alphabet). then, after that, i had to interview with the district manager, and after all this, we're into june, and i don't get the job. everything went well, except that i'm going to school in the fall, and i won't work on sundays.
third fall out- maurices
this is a fabulous clothing store. i really really wanted to work here. i applied. they called soon. this was an encouraging sign. i came in to take this 100 question "get-to-know-you" survey. i waited to get a call back. then i waited to get a call back. then I called back. they said they would be calling back the next week. two weeks later, i went in to the store. they said their hiring manager was on vacation. now it's early july, and i KNOW no clothing place would hire someone for a month and a half, with one week off in august...
most recent fall out- journal sentinal.
this would be a night-job (like 2-6 in the morning night job) delivering a paper route. early-morning delivery is the only type of paper route in waukesha now because the waukesha freeman decided it was a really good idea to deliver their paper by mail now. boo. but anyways. the first frustration is trying to get ahold of the guy, eric, because he has to be up at 2 in the morning, and goes home by like 10. well, those are basically the hours i sleep, so that made things interesting. so after we finally worked out emailing each other, there were two things i needed to find/do. i needed to 1. find my name on the declarations page of our car insurance, and 2. get a new drivers' liscence because mine still said "probationary", even though my restrictions were off. well, i found the declarations page, but my name was no where on the page. so this morning, my mom emailed the insurance place and asked if we could fix that. they sent us a copy of the exact same page. thanks for the help. then, while my mom is still figuring this out, i went off to the dmv. the line wasn't too long, but i was just worried something would go bad. i remembered i would have to have my picture taken, which gave me anxiety because i've been braking out from the pressure of not having a job and not sleeping well or at all. so i go up to the counter, only to discover that probationary means something besides restrictions.some stupid, petty distinction that is keeping me from getting a job.
i don't know how you could fail at getting so many jobs!! oh, and one more thing. at school, i guess they have student bloggers. our admissions counselor suggested my friend andy, who has never kept a blog ever. ever. the good news is that my friend jacob already got a job in the kitchen and is trying to get me one too. so we'll see. i would love to work at the library, but i doubt i will, because i want to.
i hate the feeling of not having a job. i feel rather useless, like a lifeless limb of the family, or a parasite. always taking, never giving. i know that's not what housewives are, but i don't think i could be one.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
a Love Affair
So my cousin Ana realized she's been having a love affair. A serious love affair. It's been going on for about three years. She thought it was ok for three years. But as she got deeper and deeper in, she started to think, "Maybe it's not ok to turn against my traditional commitments and beliefs. Maybe, just maybe, when you love something, it's forever, and it's not fair or right to forsake it for what's immediately put in front of you. Maybe there are somethings worth waiting for, worth fighting for."
The forsaken: Soccer.
The lover: Running.
While in high school, Ana's school didn't have a soccer team. So Ana - as so many women do who think that what's in front of them is as good as it can get - settled. At first she thought, "This will better prepare me for when I do have a soccer team that I can join. It will give me stamina and endurance that are helpful on the soccer field. And I just don't have the opportunity to play soccer. This is as good as it can get while I'm in high school."
So when it came time for college, Ana got numerous full-ride offers to schools for running. She was so good. She loved to run because she was good, better than the others.
At school, she began to doubt if this was what she wanted. Yes, she was good, but the pressure was at a whole other level than it had been in high school. In order to keep her scholarship, she had to be the best. She began to question, "Is being the best really all there is to love?" She started to realize that love is not always what you're good at, but what you want most to be good at and must work hardest to be good at.
It came time for a decision to be made. Does she stick with running and please those around her and keep her full-ride scholarship? Or does she play soccer? Playing soccer would involve so much sacrifice - she would end up in debt, and probably not even be able to play on the school team for at least the first year of switching. She could probably only play intramural for the first year, and then maybe, if she worked hard enough, be able to make a team, but hardly be able to get a significant scholarship for soccer. Is the sacrifice worth love?
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